Top Useless Superpowers and How Can You Benefit from Them

Each and every one of us would love to have some sort of superpower, like incredible speed, inhuman strength, the ability to fly, teleportation, mind control, etc. Although modern technology allowed us to compensate for the lack of these abilities, the idea of having them at our disposal is truly alluring. Are we that ungrateful? We already have the ability to express our complex thoughts via sound manipulation, the ability to understand the principles on which the world around us operates, the ability to manipulate all sorts of devices and objects, etc. It seems that we are biologically programmed to work towards advancement, to seek progression. It also seems that we have a desire to feel superior, which is why regular things are not truly impressive to us – we all want something amazing and out of the ordinary. If there is anything that the TV show “Misfits” has taught us, it is that even some useless powers, like lactokinesis (the ability to manipulate milk with your mind), can turn out be quite deadly if utilized in a correct manner. Here are a couple of almost completely useless powers and some scenarios in which they can prove to be rather beneficial to the user.

The Power to Revive Bugs

People are not generally fond of bugs. As a matter of fact, we have a tendency to kill them whenever we spot them in our homes. Therefore having the ability to revive bugs is very similar to another ability we already possess – wasting money. However, it would be wrong to assume that this is an utterly useless power. Imagine you have a neighbour and you desperately want him, or her to move out. All you need to do is accumulate a significant amount (I am talking about thousands here) of dead bugs and revive them all at once. Once they start crawling out all over the place, your neighbour will think his or her home is haunted. The only problem here is how to plant all of those insects inside one’s home, but you’ll figure something out.

Turn into a Laptop Forever

big data

This is like being a shape shifter, only much less efficient and much more permanent. Basically, even knowing you have this power means you are already a laptop. Let us assume you have this power, and are still waiting for a golden opportunity to use it. What would that opportunity look like? Truth be told, even if you can turn into a laptop, which will be an absolute peak of modern technology, there is still a chance you will be cast aside one day. There is one way this power can make you happy though. Let’s say you have been friend zoned for life. You have held on too long, just to let it go and there is nothing you can do about it. In that case, you can turn into a laptop and become a birthday present for your eternal crush. You will be together for a long time, as long as a new laptop does not enter into his or her life. After that, you’ll either be sold or given to his, or her relative, meaning the two of you won’t have your alone time anymore, but still, you’ll have some nice memories.

Communicate with Pens

Imagine that when you talk to pens, they start talking back, but only you can hear them. If you manage to talk to the right pens, you can learn all sorts of things. The only downside is that people won’t believe you, and you will probably end up in an asylum. It’s like sacrificing sanity for knowledge. This largely depends on how much a particular pen is willing to share. You might even have to resort to violent interrogation. This power will cause you to reevaluate your life, for example if a pen can communicate and you torcher it for information, does that make you a bad person. Technically you are harming something that is conscious of its existence, and bear in mind that in some countries, abortion is illegal, even though the fetus is unaware of itself. Bottom line, you can find out intimate details about people as long as they borrow you their pens, and use that knowledge for blackmail, provided you can live with yourself afterwards. Also, you will never feel alone as long as there is a pen with you.

X-Ray Vision That Only Works on Old Men

XRay Specs cartoon

A real curse would be if you can’t turn off this vision, so let’s make it like that. Your family dinners will become a nightmare, if your boss is an old man you will have a hard time communicating with him. To make the long story short, your life will turn into living hell. The only thing you can do to make the best out of this ordeal is to become a security guard. If there is any old man with a weapon, trying to rob a certain facility, you can efficiently prevent him from doing so. On the other hand, avoid visiting, or even worse working in a retirement home – your life will lose its purpose rapidly.

The Power to Appreciate Niki Minaj

It is one of those powers that nobody wants, but having it would make your life so much easier. Imagine the scenario when you can say what you truly mean whenever the “Anaconda” song pops up and not sound like a hater. Imagine that you can allow yourself to think your 12 year old girl has chosen an exceptional role model. Imagine that you can write “twerking” in your CV in the “skills” section, and not feel like a complete idiot. Finally, imagine you can look at something that is a complete product of plastic surgery, and regard it is a human being. All of these perks are available for those who possess this power.

Ultra-Fast Aging

old punisher

With the ability to age 10 – 20 years in a matter of seconds, a world of new possibilities will come to life. You can change your appearance really fast, grow really fast, and realize very quickly that life is indeed short. The problem is, the more you use this power the more regrets you will have, but you can end your life painlessly whenever you feel like it.

The Power to Attract Bullets

If you ever wanted to do something as cool as Neo in the movie Matrix, this power will completely negate that possibility. On the other hand, if you are one of those people who thrive on the fact that they took a bullet for someone, this will be a dream come true. Bullet attraction can turn you into a great body guard, martyr, and human shield. Clearly whether you love it or not, it will solely depend on your state of mind.

As you can see, it is not impossible to turn your weakness into a strength. All it takes is some out of the box thinking.

Djordje Todorovic
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Djordje Todorovic is a creative writer, a part-time game designer and a linguist, with a degree from the English Language and Literature department. He takes interest in science fiction, epic fiction and horror movies, TV series, books and comic books. He is also a major fan of video games that belong to either MMORPG or point and click adventures genre; he also likes board games as well as trading card games. Djordje has a great amount of respect for the art of stand-up comedy and voice acting, it is his dream to achieve high level of proficiency in either of these areas. He admires the work of George Carlin and Dylan Moran.

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